October 5, 2025 Mistakes and Misunderstandings

My life has been too full of mistakes and misunderstandings. Most misunderstandings will be deemed my fault. My mistakes are indubitably my fault.

Mistakes

For mistakes, my financial situation is foremost. It’s gone from how much I can leave my children at death to how can I survive this month without destroying my savings. They’re actually the proceeds of a loan I took out because the savings I had before that were eaten up by the biggest financial mistake of my life. That mistake I’ve erased from my memory as best I can.

I’m quite miserable about how badly I’ve handled my finances. And I hate myself for that.

I hate how my neighbor basically confiscated my collie pup. He actually told me he was going to steal her from me, and he basically did. After more than two months spent with this guy, Abigail came home at 2 a.m. on July 6, soaking wet, and went upstairs to sleep on my bed till morning. She has pancreatitis. Now, we have “joint custody,” and Abigail divides her time as she sees fit. A free spirit.

In the meantime, I impulsively purchased a smooth coat collie for far too much money. Now I have a brace of collies half the time, and Bonnie’s companion, Axel, is sometimes left out. I needed one collie, not two.

Getting an equine companion for Greyson was an expensive, impulsive disaster. The first one I had to return to the rescue because she beat up my gentle giant. That mess cost a lot. The current companion is good for Greyson, but not for me. My fault; I didn’t work with him when he came here many months ago. Now he can’t be caught, let alone haltered or stand for the farrier. On the barely plus side, he was free.

Then there’s the book, which has really damaged me financially. I was all at sea writing it, resulting in too many beta readers. But the experts my editor arranged to read it  – for free! –  helped the book a lot.

I had to hire a physicist, who unfortunately talked me into a majorly expensive editing job. It was too early, and his edits were 90% waste. That hurt a lot.

The video editor cost way too much for just one almost usable result. That upset me more than the physicist. The guy was a total dick.

Hired a lawyer to create an LLC to be the publisher. On the plus side, he charged me less than the average for the job. While other authors create their own LLCs, I didn’t feel I could do it correctly by myself.

I had to hire an illustrator to fix the cover, as the lettering is too small, then it got retitled. The aerial photo the video editor worked on also needs to be fixed. Because of feedback from those experts, I’ve commissioned a diagram of the farm, and an illustration for the interior on top of the illustration for the back cover.

Formatting will be too much money, but I think the book will turn out well.

My ignorance and some freelancers hurt me terribly. One thing is sure: I’ll never write another book. But now, I have to publicize and market this one. I’m sure I’ll spend too much on that as well because no matter how much I read about it, I don’t understand what to do for a book of this genre. And because of the topic, I’m scared of publication…

This will be one of the best produced books ever self-published. I hope it sells, then becomes a movie. Or a TV installment on one of those paranormal shows. I’d like to at least break even.

Misunderstandings

For these, one need look no further than my relationships with own family, now comprised of Jane, Edward, and me. And their spouses, whom I don’t know very well.

Both my kids seem clueless of how anxious I was in dealing with them for many years. This anxiety, combined with a lack of honest communication between us, caused the rifts we have today.

Jane made me so anxious by the time she graduated vet school that it was hard to speak on the phone. She complained that she always had to call me, not realizing that her voice when answering my call indicated to me how unwelcome I was in her life. In turn, I felt guilty about not calling her, but felt I shouldn’t call at all, because of how I hadn’t really wanted to speak with my own mother at her age.

If only we had been honest with each other. More importantly, I wish I could go back and demonstrate that I thought of her almost daily, and visited her while she was in Florida. It wasn’t enough that I monitored the Covid and fire situations while she was there; concern without demonstrating how worried I was didn’t help her feel loved by me.

She dumped me, with no specific explanation, in 2022. At the time, I supposed any love she had for me was gone, but for many years, I think she suffered because she still cared. My heart sank at her appearance at the Wedding That Shall Not Be Named. It clearly showed how much pain she had endured for years. If I was nothing in her heart, she wouldn‘t have treated herself so badly.

I love her so much, and have so much to regret! Sometimes, I get overwhelmed by worry. For an entire weekend in April, 2025, I was overcome by anxiety about her. And I’ve no idea whether there was anything to worry about.

On the other hand, for many years Edward made play of talking to me about charges on AmEx. I’d already advised the kids that each had a set number they could spend each month, but he’d call about it anyway. Because he prefaced the ask with what seemed like a conversation he wanted to have, I was fooled into thinking I meant something to him, but I didn’t. Much to my shame I didn’t realize his trickery for many years. In the meantime, I pestered Jane about my relationship with Edward. That really damaged my relationship with her.

Edward’s wife whispers poison into his ear about me. He called me on my birthday in 2025, for the first time in years without his wife on the line. He was much more relaxed with me this time. We had a decent conversation, but he was nonplussed when I thanked him for speaking so nicely to me. He hadn’t been nice to me on the phone for many years, especially after his wife always had to be on the line. 

Jane sent me a vicious text on May 24, 2025. I wondered at the time whether that was her lash-back response to “Hospital Memories.” Perhaps she was offended by it, or maybe it caused her to feel guilty. I checked the analytics on this blog, though, and it seemed she hadn’t read it, but I could be wrong.

Her text said she wanted to “get her childhood back with a mom that wasn’t a piece of 쓰레기.” I wasn’t that, not in her childhood. We were very close then. But she’s erased all that, with the help of “therapists” who always love to find someone in the family of origin to blame for the patient’s issues.

I feel she’ll never be content with her life unless we can resolve what’s between us.

My parents hurt me. I forgave them.

Everyone deserves another chance to make it right, but there must be clear, unambiguous communication. Especially with me. I can’t understand hints or other obscured meaning. I am direct; others must be direct with me. Otherwise, I just can’t understand the message.

I begged each of them to help me understand how I was with them so I could change. They never did. Not their fault, I suppose, as no one really has the courage to tell the truth. Especially with their parents.

Now, my “second” chance has turned into my twelfth chance, and I won’t get that.

I hate what has happened between us. And I hate that I don’t know what to do about it, or if I should even try.