May 13, 2025 Memories

Memories enrich our lives, or they can deplete it. Memories bring us happiness and pain. So, what do we do with our memories? After all, they define us. Whether happy or painful, memories also haunt us.

What we do with those memories is the important thing, because they inevitably lead to thoughts. These seemingly uncontrollable thoughts turn into feelings: pain, anger, remorse, contentment, happiness, or joy.

“Our life is what our thoughts make it.” – Marcus Aurelius

We must change how we think about memories; they must come out of the closet of ruminating about the past. I should know – I am the undisputed Queen of rumination. A most unbecoming and self-destructive habit.

About many memories, it has thus far been impossible to forgive myself for the pain I have caused others. Apologies are more than redundant at this point. I think I’ll start a new plan: accept I have been the source of all this pain endured by people who are important to me, then try to let go of the guilt. Maybe then I can accept myself. Maybe someday I’ll forgive myself. If I could get there, I hope I can stop hating myself, and my life.

About certain memories, it has been hard to comletely forgive those who have hurt me. Perhaps the plan should not be immediate absolute forgiveness; after all, there have been no apologies or even attempts made to understand each other.  It may be better to accept I’ve been hurt, to fully accept the people who have hurt me, and just let go of the pain without letting go of them. I achieved all this with my father, absolute forgiveness included, before he died.

"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." This quote is attributed to many people; it seems no one knows for sure. One thing I do know: my continual self-imposed suffering and guilt has played a role in my unrelenting self-centeredness. All of that makes it intolerable for other people to be in my presence, even on the phone. While I’m trying to see all this in myself when it occurs and correct it, it’s a long, solitary road.

According to “experts,” self-centeredness arises in part from a person’s needs not being satisfied at various points in their lives. What I must sort out is how I can fulfill my current needs without having other people do that for me. Maybe if I could figure out how to satisfy my needs by myself, I could avoid all this self-imposed punishment and finally be satisfied with my life. Maybe I could truly be accepted by other people, particularly by the people important to me. At the moment, I’m simply too exhausted, depleted, and unmotivated to make a plan for this that I’ll stick to.

But back to memories. It may be helpful to search within myself for all the good memories I’ve had, which may crowd out the many years of bad experiences. Last night, I discovered “All in the Family” on TV. Watching that provided many good memories, particularly of my dad.

I recall the many good times I had with my children when they were young and before my marriage started to really disintegrate. They have chosen not to remember those, and I believe that detrimental to them. It’s hard to be a whole person when years of memories are surgically removed.

Looking back at so many years of bad memories in my marriage, I can finally see some good memories I had with my Ex without all the bad ones intruding. I take that as a positive sign good memories can, with effort,  mostly crowd out the bad ones.

As to the future, I hope George Eliot is right:

“It is never too late to be what you might have been.” George Elliot