March 11, 2023 Hard to Write

I have been trying to write a new post, not more "Brain Updates", for days. I even have titles and ideas of what I want to say. It seems that the posts which require a backward look to various times of my life invariably cause a reversion to negative memories that corrupt my original intent for the post. “Jane” worked, I think, because I was caught up in her and the idea of her and the good interactions we had.

I started one on “The Ex” and used a lot of old writings to assist me, but that effort failed. With too many negative and not enough positive memories and thoughts foremost in my mind, the post turned into a self-serving rant. Not interesting, not thought-provoking, just not worthwhile reading or writing. It could also be that while I hate him, I also love him (for some insane reason) and the heartache will just not go away.

Another was on “Mom.” She and I never really talked about what happened between us at various times. Mom ignored all conflict and pain in the family and in the world at large. She wanted life to be beautiful, always. My writing of her failed at the first draft because of my internal conflict between still feeling her loss after 19 years and desperately wanting to talk to her, and the bitterness of not resolving the past conflicts in our relationship. I must wait to write this one. But for how long?

I have two that I posted and then removed; they were just not good enough for anyone to read but me:

"Think I’ve Had Enough"

"Dresden 2023"

That second one needs a lot more dry humor injected into it, as the topic is, or rather could be, somewhat amusing. It has nothing to with Dresden, but rather how the pictures of the fire bombing’s aftermath have things littering the landscape and huge clouds of dust. From the removed post: “My house has things on literally every horizontal surface, including the floor. The living room is filled with smog. The primary particulates of my personal brand of smog are the same as in those pictures and in LA: dust. Dust everywhere…”

As an aside, my lungs are now permanently damaged, not from smoking, but from all this dust.

I also have titles for some which are still in the embryonic stage in my head, such as:

원숭인의 텔레비전 [Korean TV]

I have already written a great deal on this, as I love 원숭인의 텔레비전. While I find the culture both repressive and fascinating, my research on it collided with what I had intended as the direction of the post.

Getting Around in The Country

Corporate Amerika

Manners Please!

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda - But Didn’t

8:00 PM

Gone Missing

Understanding

Memory

Gains and Losses

Edward

Dad

Grandma Rose

Family Lore

Anger and Regret

Unrealized Dreams

♪ “I Don’t Care Anymore” ♪

I believe that I am stymied by a couple of things: One is this potential neurological problem that I cannot get anyone to fully explain and about which I am perhaps needlessly anxious (see “Brain Update” March 9, 2023), and the other is this constant fatigue, depression, and de-motivation (see “On Being Numb” January 9, 2023). Even now, I should not be writing this, I should be going to the local town for horse feed and to pick up meds. Ah! Too late for that last; the pharmacy just closed. Really should have gone, but like I said, demotivated. I have even changed from feeding the horses twice a day to once a day. The trick is to get out there before Greyson gets bent out of shape and demonstrates his displeasure.

Now I feel exhausted and still have horses to feed and more than a hundred plants to deal with.