January 9, 2023 On Being Numb

I’ve not been really alive since September of 2022. I was on the plane coming back from my son’s wedding, which had been a humiliating event, and I felt exactly nothing. I felt as though I were dead.

At the wedding, I was treated like an outsider by everyone, except, ironically, by my Ex. Not only was I generally ignored by my son throughout the three-day event, his stepmother walked him down the aisle with his father. My son had made the unreasonable and disrespectful request of letting her have the honors of being the "Mother of the Groom" two days before my departure to New York. He gave many reasons why it should be her, all centered upon the “support” she had given him, but what this "support" was all about was never explained. I am still puzzled by my acquiescence to this absurdity. On the day of the wedding, people were genuinely surprised when I introduced myself to them as the groom’s mother. That was humiliating.

There was a table in the reception area upon which stood photos of deceased family members to give them a place in the day. Not one picture of my parents. They were not there, they were not represented and honored as family, therefore I was not represented, I was not honored as family. I had to leave the reception before I completely broke down.

On the way out, I ran into the newlyweds and not one word or even facial expression of comfort or compassion was bestowed was upon me.

I should not have gone to the wedding. My son had said, “Of course I want you there; you’re my mother.” My invitation to the wedding seems in retrospect to have been mainly for purpose of monetary contribution. This wedding was the final, most painful nail he had driven into me, and there were countless others before that.

NB

My daughter left me 2 days after the wedding (which was not unexpected), and within several weeks after his return from the honeymoon, I left my son. I am alone. And relieved.

“It’s not whether you love someone or not; it’s who you are when you’re with them.” The Accidental Tourist.

For years, my children had been the source of great anxiety, fear and broken dreams for me. Every time I was with them, which was only hours per year, I felt uncomfortable and anxious. I needed to spend a longer chunk of time with them so I could settle down and be comfortable, but neither wanted to be in my presence. To be fair, I had treated them badly for many years; however, since that time, I have sincerely tried to be a better person. Neither of them had ever made their conditions for any forgiveness or reconciliation known to me. It is impossible to run a race, let alone win it, without a track upon which to run.

But I digress.

I’ve simply had enough. Of everything. Since the wedding, I feel no emotions but anger and do not feel love for anyone or anything. The only time I’ve truly felt love in the last several years would be when I would care for my horses. My heart would be full of love for them. You may recall that in the movie, “Marvin’s Room”, one character esteemed more highly the love she felt for the relatives she cared for than the love, if any, she received from them. That is how it has been for me. I loved them, my two giant hamsters, and that feeling sustained me; now, that feeling is gone.

While one of the projects in this “blog” is about my houseplants, I find I no longer have the regard I had for them that I had before. The same goes for the dogs and the horses and the cat and the birds and the land and everything else. I simply do not care.

I’m not sure how to live without caring, and I’m equally unsure how to dissipate my constant anger.